A FIELD GUIDE TO THE 9 P.M. DROP-IN
You love them.
You’d love them from farther away.
For the family that hears “I’m going to bed” and thinks, “Great. We’ll bring chips.”
Reclaim the evening Hospitality has clocked out. Take the hint.
THE SITUATION
EXHIBIT A“We won’t stay long.”They have removed their shoes and selected a documentary. Apparently, this is a hostage situation with dip.
EXHIBIT B“Are you asleep?”A fascinating question to shout into a dark house. Perhaps try a cymbal next.
EXHIBIT C“Don’t get up!”They say, while asking where the good plates are. The audacity is dishwasher-safe.
YOUR EVENING, RECLAIMED
Start with a boundary. End with a legend.
They had several chances to leave.
Close visiting hours. Sharing DNA is not a reservation. This is a home, not a late-night branch of you.
“Love you. What a lovely visit this would have been four hours ago. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
No opening statement. No supporting evidence. Pajamas are a complete sentence.
Give the evening a dignified ending. If subtle hints worked, you wouldn’t be reading this.
“Attention, beloved guests: this house has reached its daily quota of pants. Collect your casserole and proceed to your own sofa. We know you have one. We helped you move it.”
Smile like customer service has just informed you that your complaint is very important.
All spontaneous visits require Form ZZZ and approval from a little white Maltese. He has reviewed your appeal. He has also approved a trapdoor.
FORM ZZZ · VISITOR APPEAL
Reason for visit: “Just because.”
Estimated duration: “A minute.”
Actual duration: Unknown to science.
APPEAL DENIED
Your case has been transferred to the Department’s deep, dark pit. Please allow three business naps for your echo to reach a representative.
The Maltese has gone to lunch. He is not coming back.
The Department of Not Tonight’s express route to a deep, dark pit. Finally, a conversation with some depth.
The floor opens. The monologue continues. Somewhere in the bottomless cartoon darkness, a tiny voice echoes: “So anyway…”
No Wi-Fi. No good plates. Just you, your casserole, and time to reflect on the phrase “we won’t stay long.”
The brochure calls it “a quiet retreat.” The brochure was written by the Maltese.THE IMAGINARY EXIT DEPARTMENT
They’ve made themselves comfortable.
That was their first mistake.
Next stop:
It has chairs. Go form a relationship with one.
THE ONLY REAL RULE
You are always welcome.
During the hours when you are welcome.